How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Did I show you my penis last night?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize