Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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