Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
