my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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