As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
