My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
