So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
