I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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