Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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