the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
