Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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