When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
