So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
