You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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