you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
