Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
