i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
