I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
