omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
