two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
