My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
