just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
