i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
