Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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