my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize