My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
