It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
