alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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