dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
