Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
