So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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