I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
