help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
