So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
