I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
