He uses pillows to masturbate.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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