when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I think i got beer on your cat.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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