composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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