i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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