I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
