Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
