nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
