4 words: hood of his car
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
