He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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