I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm getting married
To pizza
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Holy shit dude........stairs
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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