i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
