Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
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