I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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