Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
