I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
