I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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