I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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