i think i have two assholes
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
