Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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