I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
