you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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