The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
My dick has a subreddit
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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