For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
