based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Then you guys just all showered together...?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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