oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
